Is 69 a magic number

Answer 1

As we learned from Schoolhouse Rock, 69 is a magic number. Yes, it is. It’s a magic number. Somewhere in the ancient mystic trinity, we get 69. It’s a magic number.

Former presidential hopeful and getting-in-your-pants hopeful Herman Cain had a similar obsession about the number 45. Four plus five equals nine, as in “9-9-9,” proving that tax plans can be chosen the same way one chooses Powerball numbers.

Cain was running to be the 45th president. And once elected, he would awaken from his dream 45 seconds later and tell his 45th mistress about the strangest dream he’d had.

But in fact, 69 is the most magical of magic numbers. Consider:

*6 + 9 = 15, which is the oldest girl I’d ever want to date.

*6 x 9 = 54, at which age I’ll get out of prison for dating a fifteen-year-old.

*69 in Roman numerals is LXIX. Pronounced phonetically, it sounds like “lick six,” which is the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

*Lincoln had a secretary named 6. Kennedy had a secretary named 9.

*The 69th word of Shakespeare’s 6th play, Act 9 is “tushie.”

*Before settling on the turkey, Benjamin Franklin wanted the number 69 to be the national bird. At the time, he had 69 kinds of venereal diseases.

*North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il croaked at age 69. It is considered to be the world’s most giggled-at obituary.

*How many cats before you’re officially a “cat lady”? Sixty-nine.

*There are, in fact, 69 ways to leave your lover.

*In sports, if your jersey number is 69, you’re allowed a free steroid abuse scandal and unlimited hooker scandals.

*In the year 69 CE, there were four Roman emperors. So…there’s that.

*George Washington is the only president to win unanimous re-election, winning 69 electoral votes over his opponent, Samuel P. Lickmyballs.

*69 is the largest number of eggs that a human has been able to stuff into one’s mouth, a record held by silent-screen actress Clara Bow.

*My best friend’s birthday is 6/9. (Literally true.)

*There are 69 letters in the Klingon alphabet. (Warning: Claiming that you know otherwise is basically admitting that you are a virgin. Think about it, nerd boy.)

*Before he became known as “Ol’ Blue Eyes,” Frank Sinatra was referred to as “That Mafia-Loving Sixty-niner.”

*Sixty-nine is the only whole integer between 67 and 70. Except 68.

*The most special of the “very special episodes” of THE FACTS OF LIFE was episode #69, “Natalie Takes It in the Poop Tube.”

*James Coburn had the toothiest grin with 69 teeth.

*At the height of their popularity, The Beatles held the top 69 spots on the Billboard charts.

*Although there are trillions of stars in space, most scientists agree that only 69 of them are “truly bitchin’.”

*Crop designs in the shape of 69 are the only crop designs known to attract actual aliens.

*When playing Blackjack, if your opponent deals a 21 and you deal a 6 and a 9, you automatically win.

*Most people spend four years in high school, but experts generally agree that it “feels more like 69.”

*1969 was the first year of the Nixon presidency. (Well, it can’t all be GOOD stuff.)

*It takes 2 to tango, but 69 to truly mamba.

*While many consider “666” to be the “mark of the beast,” 69 is considered to be the “mark of Mark from Marketing.”

*If someone tells you to guess a number between 1 and 100, you’ll always be right if you pick 69.

*Congressman Allen West (R-FL) was clocked as the world’s fastest liar, with 69 lies a minute.

*If Woodrow Wilson’s Fourteen Points had been the Sixty-nine Points, we’d have had world peace by now.

*Of my 69 columns, 6 have been funny and 9 prompted death threats.

*I’ve been informed by my editor that the term “69” is also slang for a really dirty sex act. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know this. I’d always been calling it “cuddling.”

Incidentally, you may wonder why I didn’t give 69 reasons why 69 is the greatest number. But I’ll point out that this column is 690 words long. It really, really, really, really, really, really is.

Or it’s not, and I’m bullshitting you for the 69th time.